HOW TO WASTE TIME

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Make a plan. Set down whatever it is you should be doing and start planning something better. There are so many situations you’re just not ready for! Here are some ideas:
◦ How to redecorate your bedroom
◦ Your next vacation
◦ How you’d take over the world
◦ What you would do under threat of zombie attack
 Okay, but seriously. If zombies were to attack, which of your friends would you just have to leave behind because they’d slow you down? What skills should you start working on now just in case? You gotta be useful if and when the time comes.
 Calculate some numbers. What if the digits in your Social Security number equal 66? You probably don’t know if they do, do you? Well find out! Here’s a list of other things you could start calculating:
 How many minutes you’ve been alive or the amount until your birthday/Christmas, etc.
 Just what percent of $1 million you would give your loved ones and/or charity
 How many people you meet per year and what percentage of them you actually like
◦ Imagine that you get locked in the bathroom sometime in the next thirty minutes. How do you get out?
◦ Imagine that you have to teach a bear to dance or else. What’s your teaching methodology?
◦ Imagine having to go hunt or gather your lunch. What would you end up eating?
◦ Imagine everyone around you wearing kilts. After all, why not?
◦ Make a list of all the words you can make with your name
◦ Make a list of the ten most attractive people you know
◦ Make a list of the ten ugliest people you know
◦ Make a list of questions you’d like the answers to
◦ Make a list of your most impressive moments
◦ Make a list of the things you’d do and/or people you’d arrest if given dictatorial powers
◦ Try to remember everyone on your bus this morning, or your commute to work. What details can you recall?
◦ Recreate your bedroom in your head. What spots are curiously empty?
◦ Remember what your best friends looked like when they were younger and your fondest memories together
◦ Recall the last time you complimented/shouted at/laughed at/helped out someone
◦ See how long you can go without blinking/breathing/talking/using the letter “n,” etc.
◦ See how many times you can fold a piece of paper
◦ See how well you can balance — on your toes, a house of cards etc.
◦ See how easily embarrassed you can get by publicly imitating an animal, walking around with your clothes on backwards, or singing near the top of your lungs.
◦ Read blogs. There’s a blog out there about everything. There’s even lists you can refer to to weed through all the teenage-y WordPresses and get straight to the gems.
◦ Take some online quizzes, tests, surveys, or play some games. As if Facebook didn’t alert you to all the ones trending already.
◦ Diagnose yourself on WebMD. Just be sure your phone is handy so you can call mom when you get really freaked out.
◦ You could read the news, but that’d just make too much sense.
◦ If those are too obvious, you could always defragment your hard drive and watch it till it completes. This takes aaaaages. Scanning for errors and backing up your files is also good for wasting time.
◦ How long does it take you to get from How to Shower to How to Regain Control of a Spooked Camel? How about from How to Apply Makeup Like Flo, the Progressive Girl to How to Improve Your Personality Using wikiHow?
◦ If slow-motion ain’t your bag, try doing everything backwards. Talking backwards, walking backwards, you name it (eating backwards?). Or everything opposite. What’s the opposite of reading wikiHow articles?
◦ How could you wake yourself up in the morning without an alarm?
◦ How could you get a message to your friend without using your phone or your computer?
◦ How could you get from here to the kitchen without touching the ground?

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About Dick and Danna

Resume for Dick Vernon, PHD (Possess Highschool Diploma) I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. I am a strong conservative politically. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I make women swoon with my sensuous steel guitar playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, I repair computerized aircraft panels free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. Ihave been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On week- ends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I have given Rachel Ray and Emirile cooking lessons. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performe open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis many times when I taught him how to play guitar.. But I have not yet gone to college. ——————————————————- Resume for: Danna Vernon I put up with Dick Vernon. Doesn’t that say it all?
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One Response to HOW TO WASTE TIME

  1. D&D, I could give you hours of info on wasting time!!! I am an expert!

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