Things That Can Drive A Sane Person Insane

Insane 1

*You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.

*The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.

*The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.

Insane 2*There’s always a car riding your tail when you’re slowing down to find an address.

*You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

*It’s bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don’t realize it till you walk across your living room rug.

*The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.

*There’s a yappee dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING. (yap yap)

*You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

*Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.

*You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.

*You slice your tongue licking an envelope.

*Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you’re trying to get a reading.

*A station comes in brilliantly when you’re standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.

*There are always one or two ice cubes that won’t pop out of the tray.

*You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.

*The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.

*A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.

*You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.

*The radio station doesn’t tell you who sang that song.

*You rub on hand cream and can’t turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

*People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.

*Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.

*You can’t look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don’t know how to spell it.

*You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you’re just browsing.

*You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can’t find it.

*You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.



About Dick and Danna

Resume for Dick Vernon, PHD (Possess Highschool Diploma) I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. I am a strong conservative politically. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I make women swoon with my sensuous steel guitar playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, I repair computerized aircraft panels free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. Ihave been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On week- ends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I have given Rachel Ray and Emirile cooking lessons. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performe open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis many times when I taught him how to play guitar.. But I have not yet gone to college. ——————————————————- Resume for: Danna Vernon I put up with Dick Vernon. Doesn’t that say it all?
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