Things That Can Drive A Sane Person Insane

Insane 1

*You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.

*The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.

*The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.

Insane 2*There’s always a car riding your tail when you’re slowing down to find an address.

*You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

*It’s bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don’t realize it till you walk across your living room rug.

*The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.

*There’s a yappee dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING. (yap yap)

*You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

*Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.

*You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.

*You slice your tongue licking an envelope.

*Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you’re trying to get a reading.

*A station comes in brilliantly when you’re standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.

*There are always one or two ice cubes that won’t pop out of the tray.

*You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.

*The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.

*A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.

*You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.

*The radio station doesn’t tell you who sang that song.

*You rub on hand cream and can’t turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

*People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.

*Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.

*You can’t look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don’t know how to spell it.

*You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you’re just browsing.

*You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can’t find it.

*You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

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About Dick and Danna

Resume for Dick Vernon, PHD (Possess Highschool Diploma) I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. I am a strong conservative politically. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I make women swoon with my sensuous steel guitar playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, I repair computerized aircraft panels free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. Ihave been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On week- ends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I have given Rachel Ray and Emirile cooking lessons. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performe open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis many times when I taught him how to play guitar.. But I have not yet gone to college. ——————————————————- Resume for: Danna Vernon I put up with Dick Vernon. Doesn’t that say it all?
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