Puns for the Educated Minds

Unknown 1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you’d be in Seine.
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

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The Best Sermons Are Lived, Not Preached

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1. Today, I interviewed my grandmother for part of a research paper I’m working on for my Psychology class.  When I asked her to define success in her own words, she said, “Success is when you look back at your life and the memories make you smile.”
2. Today, I asked my mentor – a very successful business man in his 70s- what his top 3 tips are for success.  He smiled and said, “Read something no one else is reading, think something no one else is thinking, and do something no one else is doing.”
3. Today, after my 72-hour shift at the fire station, a woman ran up to meat the grocery store and gave me a hug.  When I tensed up, she realized I didn’t recognize her. She let go with tears of joy in her eyes and the mostsincere smile and said, “On 9-11-2001, you carried me out of the World Trade Center.
4.  Today, after I watched my dog get run over by a car, I sat on the sideof the road holding him and crying.  And just before he died, he licked the tears off my face.
5.  Today at 7AM, I woke up feeling ill, but decided I needed the money, soI went into work. At 3PM I got laid off. On my drive home I got a flattire. When I went into the trunk for the spare, it was flat too. A man ina BMW pulled over, gave me a ride, we chatted, and then he offered me a job. I start tomorrow.
6.  Today, as my father, three brothers, and two sisters stood around mymother’s hospital bed, my mother uttered her last coherent words before she died. She simply said, “I feel so loved right now. We should have gotten together like this more often.”
7. Today, I kissed my dad on the forehead as he passed away in a smallhospital bed. About 5 seconds after he passed, I realized it was the firsttime I had given him a kiss since I was a little boy.
8. Today, in the cutest voice, my 8-year-old daughter asked me to start recycling. I chuckled and asked, “Why?” She replied, “So you can help me save the planet.” I chuckled again and asked, “And why do you want to save the planet? “Because that’s where I keep all my stuff,” 
9. Today, when I witnessed a 27-year-old breast cancer patient laughinghysterically at her 2-year-old daughter’s antics, I suddenly realized thatI need to stop complaining about my life and start celebrating it
10. Today, a boy in a wheelchair saw me desperately struggling on crutcheswith my broken leg and offered to carry my backpack and books for me. Hehelped me all the way across campus to my class and as he was leaving he said,“I hope you feel better soon.”
11.  Today, I was feeling down because the results of a biopsy came backmalignant. When I got home, I opened an e-mail that said, “Thinking of you today. If you need me, I’m a phone call away.” It was from a high schoolfriend I hadn’t seen in 10 years.
12. Today, I was traveling in Kenya and I met a refugee from Zimbabwe. Hesaid he hadn’t eaten anything in over 3 days and looked extremely skinny and unhealthy.  Then my friend offered him the rest of the sandwich he was eating. The first thing the man said was, “We can share it.”
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
I am glad I have you to send these to.
These are worth passing on…hope you enjoy them as much as I did!
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Stuff you didn’t know you didn’t know!  

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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%

(now get this…) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising  a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400

The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair..

The first novel ever written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades – King David – Hearts – Charlemagne –  Clubs – Alexander, the Great – Diamonds – Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground,the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A.  Obsession

Q.. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter ‘A’? A.  One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes,windshield wipers and laser printers have in common? A.  All were invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil? A. Honey

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?  A. Father’s Day

In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on.  Hence, the phrase…’Goodnight , sleep tight’

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago thatfor a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-lawwith all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and, because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts… So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them ‘Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.’ . . .It’s where we get the phrase ‘mind your P’s and Q’s’

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill , they used the whistle to get some service. ‘Wet your whistle’ is the phrase inspired by this practice.

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

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Historical Trivia

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Did you know  the saying “God willing and the Creek don’t rise” was in reference to the Creek Indians and not a body of water?  It was written by Benjamin
Hawkins in the late 18th century.  He was a politician and Indian diplomat.  While in the south, Hawkins was requested by the President of the U.S. to return
to Washington .  In his  response, he was said to write, “God willing and the Creek don’t rise.”  Because he  capitalized the word “Creek” it is deduced that he
was referring to the Creek Indian tribe and not a body of water.
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In George  Washington’s
days, there were no cameras.  One’s image was either sculpted or painted.  Some  paintings of George Washington showed him standing  behind a desk with
one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms.   Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted,
but by how many limbs were to be painted.  Arms and legs are  ‘limbs,’ therefore painting them would cost the  buyer more.  Hence the expression, ‘Okay, but
it’ll cost you an arm and a leg.’
(Artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint)

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As  incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October) Women kept  their hair covered, while men shaved their heads  (because of
lice and bugs) and wore  wigs.   Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn’t wash the wigs,  so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of  bread,
put the wig in the shell, and bake it for  30 minutes.   The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term ‘big wig… ‘  Today we often use the term ‘here comes the Big Wig’ because someone appears to be or is powerful  and wealthy.

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In the late 1700’s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The  ‘head of the household’ always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor.   Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To
sit in the chair meant  you were important and in charge.  They called the one sitting in the chair the ‘chair  man.’ Today in business, we use the expression or  title ‘Chairman’
or ‘Chairman of the Board.’

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Personal  hygiene left much room for improvement.. As a  result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee’s
wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions.  When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman’s face she was told,
‘mind your own bee’s wax.’  Should the woman smile, the wax would  crack, hence the term ‘crack a smile’.  In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt . .. . Therefore, the expression  ‘losing face.’

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Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in ‘straight laced’ wore a tightly tied lace..

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Common  entertainment included playing cards. However,  there was a tax levied when purchasing playing  cards but only applicable to the ‘Ace of  Spades..’
To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead.  Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were  thought to be stupid or dumb
because they weren’t  ‘playing with a full deck..’

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Early  politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important.  Since there were no telephones, TV’s
or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local  taverns, pubs, and bars.  They were told to  ‘go sip some Ale and listen to people’s
conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different  times.  ‘You go sip here’ and ‘You go sip there.’ The two words
‘go sip’ were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term ‘gossip.’

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At local  taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint  and quart-sized containers. A bar maid’s job was  to keep an eye on the customers and
keep the drinks coming.  She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in ‘pints’  and who was drinking in ‘quarts,’ hence the
phrase  ‘minding your ‘P’s and Q’s’.
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One more: bet you didn’t know  this!
In the  heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls.  It was  necessary to keep a
good supply near the cannon.  However, how to prevent them from rolling about  the deck?   The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with
one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.  Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.
There was only one  problem….how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a ‘Monkey’ with 16 round
indentations. However, if  this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting  problem was to make ‘Brass Monkeys.’ Few landlubbers
realize that brass contracts much more  and much faster than iron when chilled.  Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so
much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey; Thus, it was quite literally, ‘Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.’
(All this  time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn’t you.)

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Why . . . Because

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1… WHY
Why do men’s clothes have buttons on the right while women’s clothes have buttons on the left?
BECAUSE
When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left.  Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid’s right!   And that’s where women’s buttons have remained since.
2 … WHY?
Why do ships and aircraft use ‘mayday’ as their call for help?
BECAUSE
This comes from the French word m’aidez – meaning ‘help me’ – and is pronounced, approximately, ‘mayday.’
3 … WHY?
Why are zero scores in tennis called ‘love’?
BECAUSE
In France , where tennis became popular, the round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called ‘l’oeuf,’ which is French for ‘the egg.’  When tennis was introduced in the US, Americans (naturally), mispronounced it ‘love.’ 
4 … WHY?
Why do X’s at the end of a letter signify kisses?
BECAUSE
In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became
synonymous.
5 … WHY?
Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called passing the buck’?
BECAUSE
In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck,
from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal.  If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility of dealing, he would ‘pass the buck’ to the next player.
6 … WHY?
Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?
BECAUSE
In earlier times it used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink.  To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would only touch or clink the host’s glass with his own.
7… WHY?
Why are people in the public eye said to be ‘in the limelight’?
BECAUSE
Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and theatres by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the theatre, a performer ‘in the limelight’ was the Centre of attention.
8 … WHY?
Why is someone who is feeling great ‘on cloud nine’?
BECAUSE
Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud. If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.
9 … WHY?
In golf, where did the term ‘Caddie’ come from?
BECAUSE
When Mary Queen of Scots went to France as a young girl, Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scots game ‘golf.’ He had the first course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment.  To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her.
Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her.  In French, the word cadet is pronounced ‘ca-day’ and the Scots changed it into caddie.
10 … WHY?
Why are many coin collection jar banks shaped like pigs?
BECAUSE
Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of dense orange clay called ‘pygg’. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as ‘pygg banks.’  When an English potter misunderstood the word, he
made a container that resembled a pig.  And it caught on.
BIG CHEEKS
Bet you don’t know “Big cheeks”
Big cheeks. A grandson of slaves, a boy was born in a poor neighbourhood of New Orleans known as the “Back of Town.”  His father abandoned the family when the child was an infant. His mother became a prostitute and the boy and his sister had to live with their grandmother.
Early in life he proved to be gifted for music and with three other kids he sang
in the streets of New Orleans.  His first gains were coins that were thrown to them.
A Jewish family, Karnofsky, who had emigrated from Lithuania to the USA, had pity for the 7-year-old boy and brought him into their home. Initially giving ‘work’ in the house, to feed this hungry child. There he remained and slept in this Jewish family’s home where, for the first time in his life, he was treated with kindness and tenderness.
When he went to bed, Mrs. Karnovsky sang him a Russian lullaby that he would sing with her. Later, he learned to sing and play several Russian and Jewish songs.
Over time, this boy became the adopted son of this family. The Karnofskys gave him money to buy his first musical instrument; as was the custom in the Jewish families.
They sincerely admired his musical talent. Later, when he became a professional musician and composer, he used these Jewish melodies in compositions, such as St. James Infirmary and Go Down Moses.
The little black boy grew up and wrote a book about this Jewish family who had adopted him in 1907.  In memory of this family and until the end of his life, he wore a Star of David and said that in this family, he had learned “how to live real life and determination.”
You might recognize his name.  This little boy was called: Louis “Satchmo” Armstrong. 
Louis Armstrong proudly spoke fluent Yiddish!  And “Satchmo” is Yiddish for “Big
Cheeks”!!!
And I’ll bet you did not know some of this.
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Spoiled Food Guide

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SPOILED FOOD GUIDE

EGGS

When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS

Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese.

FROZEN FOODS

Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

MEAT

If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD

Sesame seeds and poppy seeds are the only officially accepted spots that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread.

FLOUR

Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

LETTUCE

Lettuce is spoiled when you can’t get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.

CANNED GOODS

Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of …carefully.

RAISINS

Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

CHIP DIP

If you can take it out of your container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

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Another Paraprosdokian

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1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you…. but it’s still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright
    until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up…. we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it
    in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, “In case of
    emergency, notify….” I answered, “a doctor.”

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
    street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute
    to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever
    you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than
    standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and
    harder for me to find one now.
 

   18. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

  
  19. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
 
  20. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
 
 
I had never heard of the word “paraprosdoskian.”   In the event you have not either, it comes from the Greek “para” = “against” and “prosdokian” = expectation.
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