Why I Am a Professional Bum

by Dick Vernon

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned … couldn’t concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so …they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. Mainly because …it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that …was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but …I just couldn’t cut it. It was a hair raising experience.

Then I tried to be a chef — figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just …didn’t have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I…couldn’t cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found …I wasn’t noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I…didn’t have any patients.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I …just didn’t fit in. I finally got the boot.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I …couldn’t live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool-maintenance company, but the work was …just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I …wasn’t up to it.

So then I got a job in a fitness-center, but they said I …wasn’t fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking and I …was discharged.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was …no future in it .

My job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it …was always the same old grind.

Last of all, I worked for the telephone company … but I had too many hangups and just couldn’t make the connectiion.

This is why I am a PROFESSIONAL BUM.