Resume for Dick ? ? ? ?

Dick Vernon, PHD (Possess Highschool Diploma)

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. I am a strong conservative politically.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.  I make  women swoon with my sensuous and godlike steel guitar playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes.  I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.  I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, I repair computerized aircraft panels free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear.  I don’t perspire.  I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail.  I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.  I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA.

I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On week- ends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.  I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I have given Rachel Ray and Emirile cooking lessons.

I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I  have played Hamlet, I have performe open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis many times when I taught him how to play guitar..

But I have not yet gone to college.


Resume for:

Danna Vernon

I put up with Dick Vernon.

Doesn’t that say it all?

5 Responses to Resume for Dick ? ? ? ?

  1. Larry says:

    C’mom now… isn’t some of this, above-mentioned, list slightly exaggerated! LAS

  2. Mark Hamilton says:

    “WOW” I didn’t know you were so important, with a resume like the one you possess you can get a job at any Wat-Mart as a Greeter. If we ever have another ant problem, I will know who to call. Have you made your Birth Certificate public yet?

  3. Randy Salsgiver says:

    As a long-time friend and fellow band member of Dick’s I can say without a doubt that his resume is 100% true…. Oh, I’m sorry I’m a little dyslexic today, that’s .001% !
    But, the story is certainly “101 Proof “.

    • Larry says:

      Randy, Not sure if you remember me. I graduated from Elderton too! Anyway, I have to say I believe you may be a lot “DYSLEXIC” ! if you think that resume has acuracies within the text!! Had to express myself! Larry Smail

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