Fun Puns

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• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

• I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

• I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

• When chemists die, they barium.

• I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

• I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

• Broken pencils are pointless.

• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

• Velcro – what a rip off!

• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

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HOW TO WASTE TIME

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Make a plan. Set down whatever it is you should be doing and start planning something better. There are so many situations you’re just not ready for! Here are some ideas:
◦ How to redecorate your bedroom
◦ Your next vacation
◦ How you’d take over the world
◦ What you would do under threat of zombie attack
 Okay, but seriously. If zombies were to attack, which of your friends would you just have to leave behind because they’d slow you down? What skills should you start working on now just in case? You gotta be useful if and when the time comes.
 Calculate some numbers. What if the digits in your Social Security number equal 66? You probably don’t know if they do, do you? Well find out! Here’s a list of other things you could start calculating:
 How many minutes you’ve been alive or the amount until your birthday/Christmas, etc.
 Just what percent of $1 million you would give your loved ones and/or charity
 How many people you meet per year and what percentage of them you actually like
◦ Imagine that you get locked in the bathroom sometime in the next thirty minutes. How do you get out?
◦ Imagine that you have to teach a bear to dance or else. What’s your teaching methodology?
◦ Imagine having to go hunt or gather your lunch. What would you end up eating?
◦ Imagine everyone around you wearing kilts. After all, why not?
◦ Make a list of all the words you can make with your name
◦ Make a list of the ten most attractive people you know
◦ Make a list of the ten ugliest people you know
◦ Make a list of questions you’d like the answers to
◦ Make a list of your most impressive moments
◦ Make a list of the things you’d do and/or people you’d arrest if given dictatorial powers
◦ Try to remember everyone on your bus this morning, or your commute to work. What details can you recall?
◦ Recreate your bedroom in your head. What spots are curiously empty?
◦ Remember what your best friends looked like when they were younger and your fondest memories together
◦ Recall the last time you complimented/shouted at/laughed at/helped out someone
◦ See how long you can go without blinking/breathing/talking/using the letter “n,” etc.
◦ See how many times you can fold a piece of paper
◦ See how well you can balance — on your toes, a house of cards etc.
◦ See how easily embarrassed you can get by publicly imitating an animal, walking around with your clothes on backwards, or singing near the top of your lungs.
◦ Read blogs. There’s a blog out there about everything. There’s even lists you can refer to to weed through all the teenage-y WordPresses and get straight to the gems.
◦ Take some online quizzes, tests, surveys, or play some games. As if Facebook didn’t alert you to all the ones trending already.
◦ Diagnose yourself on WebMD. Just be sure your phone is handy so you can call mom when you get really freaked out.
◦ You could read the news, but that’d just make too much sense.
◦ If those are too obvious, you could always defragment your hard drive and watch it till it completes. This takes aaaaages. Scanning for errors and backing up your files is also good for wasting time.
◦ How long does it take you to get from How to Shower to How to Regain Control of a Spooked Camel? How about from How to Apply Makeup Like Flo, the Progressive Girl to How to Improve Your Personality Using wikiHow?
◦ If slow-motion ain’t your bag, try doing everything backwards. Talking backwards, walking backwards, you name it (eating backwards?). Or everything opposite. What’s the opposite of reading wikiHow articles?
◦ How could you wake yourself up in the morning without an alarm?
◦ How could you get a message to your friend without using your phone or your computer?
◦ How could you get from here to the kitchen without touching the ground?

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RULES FOR REACHING A GOOD OLD AGE  

Happy old age1.  It’s time to use the money you saved up.  Use it and enjoy it.  Don’t just keep it for those who may have no notion of the sacrifices you made to get it.  Remember there is nothing more dangerous than a son or daughter-in-law with big ideas for your hard earned capital.  Enjoy the present moment. The sand in the clock may run out at any moment.

2.  Stop worrying about the financial situation of your children and grandchildren. You’ve taken care of them for many years, and you’ve taught them what you could.  You gave them an education, food, shelter and support.  The responsibility is now theirs to earn their way.

3.  Keep a healthy life with moderate exercise (like walking every day), eat well and get your sleep.  It’s easy to become sick, and it gets harder to remain healthy.  Keep in touch with your doctor, get tested even when you’re feeling well.   Stay informed.

4.  Always buy the best, most beautiful items for your significant other.  The key goal is to enjoy your money with your partner.  One day one of you will miss the other, and the money will not provide any comfort then.  Enjoy it together.

5.  Don’t stress over the little things.   You’ve already overcome so much in your life.  You have good memories and bad ones, but the important thing is the present.   Don’t let the past drag you down or the future frighten you.

6.   Regardless of age, always keep love alive.   Love your partner, love life, love your family, love your neighbor, your surroundings, your country.   We are never old as long as we have intelligence and affection.

7.  Be proud, both inside and out.   Don’t stop going to your hair salon or barber.  Do your nails, go to the dermatologist and the dentist.   Keep your perfumes and creams well stocked.   When you are well-maintained on the outside, it seeps in, making you feel proud and strong on the inside.

8.  Don’t lose sight of fashion trends for your age, but keep your own sense of style. There’s nothing sillier than an older person trying to wear the current fashion among youngsters.   You’ve developed your own sense of what looks good on you – keep it and be proud of it.   It’s part of who you are.

9.  Read newspapers, watch the news.   Go online and read what people are saying.  Make sure you have an active email account and try to use some of those social networks.  You’ll be surprised which old friends you’ll meet.   Keeping in touch with what is going on and with the people you know is important at any age.

10.  Respect the younger generation and their opinions.   They may not have the same viewpoints as ours, but they are the future and will take the world in their direction.  Give advice, not criticism, and try to remind them of yesterday’s wisdom that still applies today.

11.  Never use the phrase:  “In my  time.”  Your time is now.   As long as you’re alive, you are part of this time.   You have been younger, but you are still you now, having fun and enjoying life.

12.  Some people embrace their golden years, while others become bitter and surly.   Life is too short to waste your days in the latter mode.   Spend your time with positive, cheerful people, it’ll rub off on you and your days will seem that much better.   Spending your time with bitter people will make you older and harder to be around.

13.  Do not surrender to the temptation of living with your  children or grandchildren (if you have a financial choice, that  is).  Sure, being surrounded by family sounds great, but we all need our privacy.   They need theirs and you need  yours.   If you’ve lost your partner (our deepest  condolences), then find a person to move in with you and help out only if you feel you really need the help or do not want to live alone.

14.  Don’t abandon your hobbies.   If you don’t have any, make new ones.   You can travel, hike, cook, read, dance.   You can adopt a cat or a dog, grow a garden, play cards, checkers, chess dominoes, golf.   You can paint, volunteer at an NGO or collect certain items.   Find something you like and spend some real time having fun with it.

15.  Even if you don’t feel like it, try to accept invitations.   Baptisms, graduations, birthdays,  weddings, conferences.   Try to go.   Get out of  the house, meet people you haven’t seen in a while, experience something new (or something old).   But don’t get upset  when you’re not invited.   Some events are limited by resources, and not everyone can be hosted.   The important thing is to leave the house from time to time.  Go to museums, go walk through a field.   Get out there.

16.  Be a conversationalist.    Talk less and listen more.   Some people go on and on about the past, not caring if their listeners are really interested.  That’s a great way of reducing the desire to speak with you.  Listen first and answer questions, but don’t go off into long stories unless asked to.  Speak in courteous tones and try not to complain or criticize too much unless you really need to.  Try to accept situations as they are. Everyone is going through the same things, and people have a low tolerance for hearing complaints.  Always find some good things to say as well.

17.  Pain and discomfort go hand in hand with getting older.  Try not to dwell on them but accept them as a part of the cycle of life we’re all going through.  Try to minimize them in your mind.  They are not who you are, they are something that life added to you.  If they become your entire focus, you lose sight of the person you used to be.

18.   If you’ve been offended by others, forgive them.   If you’ve offended someone – apologize.   Don’t drag  resentment around with you.   It will make you sad and bitter.  It doesn’t matter who was right.   Someone once said, “Holding a grudge is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.”  Don’t take that poison.   Forgive and move on with your life.

19.  If you have a strong belief, savor it.   But don’t waste your time trying to convince others.  They will make their own choices no matter what you tell them, and it will only bring you frustration.   Live your faith and set an example.   Live true to your beliefs and let that memory sway them.

20.  Laugh.  Laugh A LOT.  Laugh at everything.   Remember, you are one of the lucky ones.  You managed to have a life, a long one.   Many never get to this age, never get to experience a full life.   But you did. So what’s not to laugh about?  Find the humor in your situation.

21.  Take no notice of what others say about you and even less of what they might be thinking.   They’ll do it anyway, and you should have pride in yourself and what you’ve achieved.   Let them talk and don’t worry.   They have no idea about your history, your memories and the life you’ve lived so far.   There’s still much to be written, so get busy writing and don’t waste time thinking about what others might think.   Now is the time to be free, at peace and as happy as you can be!
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A paraprosdokian

UnknownA paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected – and oft times very humorous.
Submitted by Lloyd Hamilton
. If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
· I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.
· Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
· Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
· I’m great at multi-tasking–I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
· If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
· Take my advice — I’m not using it.
· My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
· Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.
· Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
· Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
· Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
· He who laughs last thinks slowest.
· Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
· I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
· Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
· I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it.
· If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
· Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.
· If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
· Money is the root of all wealth.
· No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
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How Turmeric Can Prevent Cancer

Turmeric

With over 100 different types of this life threatening disease, it sometimes seems like getting a cancer diagnosis may be inevitable. According to the 2014 statistics from the American Cancer Society, cancer causes nearly 1 out of 4 deaths in the United States.

However, emerging research studies prove that your diet plays a vital role in preventing cancer. One common kitchen ingredient that you can add to your anti-cancer diet today is turmeric.

Studied extensively by the University of Texas and Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center, the bright yellow-orange earthy tasting Asian spice commonly found in curry is now a well-known cancer preventing food.

These groundbreaking studies found that turmeric might just be one of the most effective common ingredients in the world for keeping you healthy and cancer-free. If you’re still are not convinced, then keep reading to discover for yourself the top five health benefits of this cancer-fighting rhizome (root).

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NOTE: Click on blue underlined words for more information on this subject

 – – – – – – –  5 Health Benefits of Turmeric  – – – – – – –

1. Powerful Medicinal Properties

Turmeric is a member of the ginger family that has been used for centuries in traditional Ayurvedic and Chinese medicine. With its anti-inflammatory, antioxidant, antimicrobial, hepatoprotective, immunostimulant, antiseptic, and antimutagenic properties – it’s been used in the treatment of digestive disorders, liver problems, skin diseases, wounds, parasites, and periodontal diseases.  Did you know… turmeric can also be used as a mouth wash?!

2. Anti-Inflammatory Properties

Chronic inflammation is believed to play a role in virtually every chronic disease in the Western hemisphere. Cancer, metabolic syndrome, heart disease, and cognitive disorders such as Alzheimer’s disease have all been linked to chronic inflammation.

Inflammation and cancer have a circular relationship − meaning that inflammation in the body can create cancer and excess inflammation fuels cancer growth.

In countries where turmeric is heavily consumed the incidence of cancer is significantly lower. The effects of turmeric’s anti-inflammatory properties were examined on inflammatory cell factors NF-kB and STAT3. Turmeric rather than pure curcumin (a compound in turmeric) inhibited these factors that accelerate inflammation.

Turmeric contains over 300 bio-active components; the focus of most research studies has been centered around curcumin. Curcumin has 150 potential therapeutic uses. Imagine the healing potential of turmeric that could be unleashed once its other active compounds are studied! In fact, turmeric has been proven to work as well and better than many over-the-counter anti-inflammatory drugs.

3. DNA Control of Cancer Cells

Cancer cells are just like every other cell in the human body in that they contain DNA. Their DNA regulates growth and development. A one millimeter cluster of cancerous cells typically contains somewhere in the ball park of a million cells, and on average, takes about six years to get to this size.

Most tumors can’t be detected by traditional testing until it spreads past the one millimeter mark, meaning that cancer cells often go undetected for several years. By adding turmeric to your daily cancer prevention diet, you may be able halt the growth and spread of cancer cells since curcumin alters DNA instructions of cancer cells and effectively induces cellular death in cancer cells.

4. Prevents Angiogenesis

Angiogenesis is a physiological response in which your body creates new blood vessels when new tissues form inside of your body. Through angiogenesis, newly formed tumors and cancer cells develop the additional blood supply they need to grow.

Cancer cells cannot rapidly spread or even survive without a blood supply and turmeric has the ability to prevent angiogenesis within your body. There are a number of powerful anti-cancer foods that can starve cancer cells.

5. Increases the Antioxidant Capacity of the Body

Highly reactive compounds known as free radicals are created in your bloodstream daily through environmental pollution, stress, personal care products, and chemical exposure.

These free radicals create cellular damage. They weaken cell structure and integrity paving the way for chronic diseases and cancer. Turmeric contains three powerful antioxidants known as curcuminoids (demethoxycurcumin, bisdemethoxycurcumin, and acetylcurcumin) that remove and repair the damage caused by free radicals.

The spice also contains other potent antioxidants and is 5 times stronger than vitamins C and E. These antioxidants found in turmeric can boost your body’s production of one of the Master Antioxidants − glutathione − which is vital for cellular health and immune system function.

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Philosophy 101

PhilosophyPhilosophy 101: As we grow older, and hence wiser, we slowly realize that: Whether we wear a $300 or $30 watch – – – they both tell the same time.
Whether we carry a $300 or $30 wallet/handbag – – – the amount of money inside is the same. Whether we drink a bottle of $300 or $30 or $3 wine – – – the hangover is the same. Whether the house we live in is 300 or 3,000 or 30,000 sq. ft. – – -the loneliness is the same.

And, we realize our true inner happiness does not come from the material things ofthis world. Whether we fly first or economy class, if the plane goes down – – – we go down with it. Whether we fly first or economy class, if the plane reaches its destination, everyone arrives at the same time. Therefore we should realize that when we have mates, buddies and old friends, brothers and sisters, with whom we can chat, laugh, talk, sing, talk about north-south-east-west or heaven and earth — that is true happiness!

 

Six Undeniable Facts of Life

 

1.  Don’t educate your children to be rich.  Educate them to be happy, so when theygrow up they will know the value of things, not the price.
2.  Best wise words:  “Eat your food as your medicines. Otherwise you have to eat medicines as your food.”
3.  The one who loves you will never leave you because, even if there are 100 reasons to give up, he or she will find one reason to hold on.
4.  There is a big difference between a human being and being human.  Only a fewfolks really understand that.
5.  You are loved when you are born. You will be loved when you die.  In between  you have to manage!
6.  If you just want to walk fast, walk alone; but, if you want to walk far, walk together!
Six Best Doctors in the World
1. Sunlight
2. Rest
3. Exercise
4. Diet
5. Self Confidence
6. Friends
And, finally: The nicest place to be is in someone’s thoughts, the safest place to be is in someone’s prayers; and the very best place to be is in the hands of God.
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Lost Words from Long Ago

Would you recognize the word Murgatroyd?  –   Heavens to Murgatroyd!

Lost Words from our childhood:  Words  gone as fast as the buggy whip!  Sad really!

The  other day, a not so elderly (65) lady said something to her son about driving a Jalopy and he looked at her quizzically and said what is

a Jalopy? –  he had never heard of the word jalopy!!

She knew she was old but not that old.

Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle  –

Lost wordsby  Richard Lederer

 

 

About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become

obsolete because of  the inexorable march of technology.  These phrases

included “Don’t touch that dial,” “Carbon copy,” “You sound like a

broken record” and  “Hung out to dry.”

Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie.  We’d put on our best bib

and tucker to straighten up and fly right –  Heavens to Betsy!

Gee whillikers!  Jumping Jehoshaphat! Holy moley!  We were in like

Flynn and living the life of Riley and even a regular guy couldn’t

accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill.

Not for all the tea in China!

Back in the olden days, life used to be swell but when’s the last time

anything was swell?  Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and

the D.A, of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and

pedal pushers.  Oh, my aching back.  Kilroy was here but he isn’t anymore.

We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap and before we

can say, well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!/This is a fine kettle of  fish! –

we discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed

omnipresent as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from

our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.

Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we’ve left behind.  We blink

and they’re gone.  Where have all those phrases gone?

Long gone:  Pshaw/The milkman did it/Hey!  It’s your nickel.  Don’t

forget to pull the chain/Knee high to a grasshopper.  Well, Fiddlesticks!

Going like sixty.  I’ll see you in the funny papers.  Don’t take any

wooden nickels/Heavens to Murgatroyd!

It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than

Carter has liver  pills.  This can be disturbing stuff!  We of a certain

age have been blessed to live in changeful times.  For a child each new

word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age.  We at the other end of

the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are

words that once did not exist and there were words that once strutted

their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in

our collective memory.  It’s one of the greatest advantages of aging.

See ya later, alligator!……………In a while crocodile!

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