Spoiled Food Guide

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SPOILED FOOD GUIDE

EGGS

When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS

Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese.

FROZEN FOODS

Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

MEAT

If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD

Sesame seeds and poppy seeds are the only officially accepted spots that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread.

FLOUR

Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

LETTUCE

Lettuce is spoiled when you can’t get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.

CANNED GOODS

Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of …carefully.

RAISINS

Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

CHIP DIP

If you can take it out of your container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

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Another Paraprosdokian

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1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you…. but it’s still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright
    until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up…. we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it
    in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, “In case of
    emergency, notify….” I answered, “a doctor.”

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
    street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute
    to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever
    you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than
    standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and
    harder for me to find one now.
 

   18. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

  
  19. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
 
  20. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
 
 
I had never heard of the word “paraprosdoskian.”   In the event you have not either, it comes from the Greek “para” = “against” and “prosdokian” = expectation.
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Just Plain Neat Information

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JUST PLAIN NEAT INFORMATION……….

Glass takes one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

Gold is the only metal that doesn’t rust, even if it’s buried in the ground for thousands of years.

Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.

If you stop getting thirsty you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.

Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.

The song Auld Lang Syne is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.

Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent. Drinking a glass of water before you eat may help  digestion and curb appetite.

Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn’t smoke unless it’s heated above 450F.

The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.

The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.

Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.

The University of Alaska spans four time zones.

The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.

In ancient Greece tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.

Warner Communications paid 28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday, which was written in 1935!

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

A comet’s tail always points away from the sun.

The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.

Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.

The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.

If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.

When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.

In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed

Strawberries and cashews are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.

Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.

The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.

The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.

Due to earth’s gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.

Mickey Mouse is known as “Topolino” in Italy.

Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.

Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.

For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are neededat lift-off.

The letter J does not appear anywhere on the  periodic table of the elements.

And last but not least:This is called ‘Money Bags .’ So send this on to 5 people and money will arrive in 5 days. Based on Chinese Feng Shui, the one who does not pass this on will have money troubles for the rest of the year.

Good friends are like stars. You don’t always see them, but you know they are always there

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Fun Puns

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• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

• I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

• I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

• When chemists die, they barium.

• I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

• I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

• Broken pencils are pointless.

• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

• Velcro – what a rip off!

• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

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HOW TO WASTE TIME

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Make a plan. Set down whatever it is you should be doing and start planning something better. There are so many situations you’re just not ready for! Here are some ideas:
◦ How to redecorate your bedroom
◦ Your next vacation
◦ How you’d take over the world
◦ What you would do under threat of zombie attack
 Okay, but seriously. If zombies were to attack, which of your friends would you just have to leave behind because they’d slow you down? What skills should you start working on now just in case? You gotta be useful if and when the time comes.
 Calculate some numbers. What if the digits in your Social Security number equal 66? You probably don’t know if they do, do you? Well find out! Here’s a list of other things you could start calculating:
 How many minutes you’ve been alive or the amount until your birthday/Christmas, etc.
 Just what percent of $1 million you would give your loved ones and/or charity
 How many people you meet per year and what percentage of them you actually like
◦ Imagine that you get locked in the bathroom sometime in the next thirty minutes. How do you get out?
◦ Imagine that you have to teach a bear to dance or else. What’s your teaching methodology?
◦ Imagine having to go hunt or gather your lunch. What would you end up eating?
◦ Imagine everyone around you wearing kilts. After all, why not?
◦ Make a list of all the words you can make with your name
◦ Make a list of the ten most attractive people you know
◦ Make a list of the ten ugliest people you know
◦ Make a list of questions you’d like the answers to
◦ Make a list of your most impressive moments
◦ Make a list of the things you’d do and/or people you’d arrest if given dictatorial powers
◦ Try to remember everyone on your bus this morning, or your commute to work. What details can you recall?
◦ Recreate your bedroom in your head. What spots are curiously empty?
◦ Remember what your best friends looked like when they were younger and your fondest memories together
◦ Recall the last time you complimented/shouted at/laughed at/helped out someone
◦ See how long you can go without blinking/breathing/talking/using the letter “n,” etc.
◦ See how many times you can fold a piece of paper
◦ See how well you can balance — on your toes, a house of cards etc.
◦ See how easily embarrassed you can get by publicly imitating an animal, walking around with your clothes on backwards, or singing near the top of your lungs.
◦ Read blogs. There’s a blog out there about everything. There’s even lists you can refer to to weed through all the teenage-y WordPresses and get straight to the gems.
◦ Take some online quizzes, tests, surveys, or play some games. As if Facebook didn’t alert you to all the ones trending already.
◦ Diagnose yourself on WebMD. Just be sure your phone is handy so you can call mom when you get really freaked out.
◦ You could read the news, but that’d just make too much sense.
◦ If those are too obvious, you could always defragment your hard drive and watch it till it completes. This takes aaaaages. Scanning for errors and backing up your files is also good for wasting time.
◦ How long does it take you to get from How to Shower to How to Regain Control of a Spooked Camel? How about from How to Apply Makeup Like Flo, the Progressive Girl to How to Improve Your Personality Using wikiHow?
◦ If slow-motion ain’t your bag, try doing everything backwards. Talking backwards, walking backwards, you name it (eating backwards?). Or everything opposite. What’s the opposite of reading wikiHow articles?
◦ How could you wake yourself up in the morning without an alarm?
◦ How could you get a message to your friend without using your phone or your computer?
◦ How could you get from here to the kitchen without touching the ground?

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RULES FOR REACHING A GOOD OLD AGE  

Happy old age1.  It’s time to use the money you saved up.  Use it and enjoy it.  Don’t just keep it for those who may have no notion of the sacrifices you made to get it.  Remember there is nothing more dangerous than a son or daughter-in-law with big ideas for your hard earned capital.  Enjoy the present moment. The sand in the clock may run out at any moment.

2.  Stop worrying about the financial situation of your children and grandchildren. You’ve taken care of them for many years, and you’ve taught them what you could.  You gave them an education, food, shelter and support.  The responsibility is now theirs to earn their way.

3.  Keep a healthy life with moderate exercise (like walking every day), eat well and get your sleep.  It’s easy to become sick, and it gets harder to remain healthy.  Keep in touch with your doctor, get tested even when you’re feeling well.   Stay informed.

4.  Always buy the best, most beautiful items for your significant other.  The key goal is to enjoy your money with your partner.  One day one of you will miss the other, and the money will not provide any comfort then.  Enjoy it together.

5.  Don’t stress over the little things.   You’ve already overcome so much in your life.  You have good memories and bad ones, but the important thing is the present.   Don’t let the past drag you down or the future frighten you.

6.   Regardless of age, always keep love alive.   Love your partner, love life, love your family, love your neighbor, your surroundings, your country.   We are never old as long as we have intelligence and affection.

7.  Be proud, both inside and out.   Don’t stop going to your hair salon or barber.  Do your nails, go to the dermatologist and the dentist.   Keep your perfumes and creams well stocked.   When you are well-maintained on the outside, it seeps in, making you feel proud and strong on the inside.

8.  Don’t lose sight of fashion trends for your age, but keep your own sense of style. There’s nothing sillier than an older person trying to wear the current fashion among youngsters.   You’ve developed your own sense of what looks good on you – keep it and be proud of it.   It’s part of who you are.

9.  Read newspapers, watch the news.   Go online and read what people are saying.  Make sure you have an active email account and try to use some of those social networks.  You’ll be surprised which old friends you’ll meet.   Keeping in touch with what is going on and with the people you know is important at any age.

10.  Respect the younger generation and their opinions.   They may not have the same viewpoints as ours, but they are the future and will take the world in their direction.  Give advice, not criticism, and try to remind them of yesterday’s wisdom that still applies today.

11.  Never use the phrase:  “In my  time.”  Your time is now.   As long as you’re alive, you are part of this time.   You have been younger, but you are still you now, having fun and enjoying life.

12.  Some people embrace their golden years, while others become bitter and surly.   Life is too short to waste your days in the latter mode.   Spend your time with positive, cheerful people, it’ll rub off on you and your days will seem that much better.   Spending your time with bitter people will make you older and harder to be around.

13.  Do not surrender to the temptation of living with your  children or grandchildren (if you have a financial choice, that  is).  Sure, being surrounded by family sounds great, but we all need our privacy.   They need theirs and you need  yours.   If you’ve lost your partner (our deepest  condolences), then find a person to move in with you and help out only if you feel you really need the help or do not want to live alone.

14.  Don’t abandon your hobbies.   If you don’t have any, make new ones.   You can travel, hike, cook, read, dance.   You can adopt a cat or a dog, grow a garden, play cards, checkers, chess dominoes, golf.   You can paint, volunteer at an NGO or collect certain items.   Find something you like and spend some real time having fun with it.

15.  Even if you don’t feel like it, try to accept invitations.   Baptisms, graduations, birthdays,  weddings, conferences.   Try to go.   Get out of  the house, meet people you haven’t seen in a while, experience something new (or something old).   But don’t get upset  when you’re not invited.   Some events are limited by resources, and not everyone can be hosted.   The important thing is to leave the house from time to time.  Go to museums, go walk through a field.   Get out there.

16.  Be a conversationalist.    Talk less and listen more.   Some people go on and on about the past, not caring if their listeners are really interested.  That’s a great way of reducing the desire to speak with you.  Listen first and answer questions, but don’t go off into long stories unless asked to.  Speak in courteous tones and try not to complain or criticize too much unless you really need to.  Try to accept situations as they are. Everyone is going through the same things, and people have a low tolerance for hearing complaints.  Always find some good things to say as well.

17.  Pain and discomfort go hand in hand with getting older.  Try not to dwell on them but accept them as a part of the cycle of life we’re all going through.  Try to minimize them in your mind.  They are not who you are, they are something that life added to you.  If they become your entire focus, you lose sight of the person you used to be.

18.   If you’ve been offended by others, forgive them.   If you’ve offended someone – apologize.   Don’t drag  resentment around with you.   It will make you sad and bitter.  It doesn’t matter who was right.   Someone once said, “Holding a grudge is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.”  Don’t take that poison.   Forgive and move on with your life.

19.  If you have a strong belief, savor it.   But don’t waste your time trying to convince others.  They will make their own choices no matter what you tell them, and it will only bring you frustration.   Live your faith and set an example.   Live true to your beliefs and let that memory sway them.

20.  Laugh.  Laugh A LOT.  Laugh at everything.   Remember, you are one of the lucky ones.  You managed to have a life, a long one.   Many never get to this age, never get to experience a full life.   But you did. So what’s not to laugh about?  Find the humor in your situation.

21.  Take no notice of what others say about you and even less of what they might be thinking.   They’ll do it anyway, and you should have pride in yourself and what you’ve achieved.   Let them talk and don’t worry.   They have no idea about your history, your memories and the life you’ve lived so far.   There’s still much to be written, so get busy writing and don’t waste time thinking about what others might think.   Now is the time to be free, at peace and as happy as you can be!
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A paraprosdokian

UnknownA paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected – and oft times very humorous.
Submitted by Lloyd Hamilton
. If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
· I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.
· Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
· Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
· I’m great at multi-tasking–I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
· If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
· Take my advice — I’m not using it.
· My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
· Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.
· Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
· Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
· Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
· He who laughs last thinks slowest.
· Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
· I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
· Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
· I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it.
· If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
· Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.
· If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
· Money is the root of all wealth.
· No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
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