Did I Read That Sign Right?

Wrong sign

Did  I read that sign correctly? 

TOILET  OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR  BELOW

 In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC  WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES  OUT

In a London department store:

BARGAIN  BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In  an office:

WOULD  THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK  OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In  an office:

AFTER  TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE  DRAINING BOARD

Outside  a secondhand shop:

WE  EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING  YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED  DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)

ELEPHANTS  PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:

FOR  ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON  THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer’s field:

THE  FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL  CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:

IF  YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET  LESSONS

On  a repair shop door:

WE  CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL  DOESN’T WORK)

**********************************************************

Proofreading  is a dying art,wouldn’t you say?

Man  Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter  

This  one I caught in the SGV ( San Gabriel Valley ) Tribune the other  day, called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.

It took  two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was  reading was impossible!!!

They  put in a correction the next day. I just couldn’t help but send this  along. Too funny.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Really?  Ya think?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers  

Now  that’s taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over  

What  a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death  

No-good-for-nothing’  lazy so-and-so’s!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant  

See  if that works any better than a fair trial!

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile  

Ya  think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures  

Who  would have thought!

Enfield  ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide  

They  may be on to something!

Man  Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge 

He  probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for LargerTest Group  

Weren’t  they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft 

That’s  what he gets for eating those beans!

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half  

Chainsaw  Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors  

Boy,  are they tall!

And  the winner is….

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead  

Did  I read that right?

********************************************************************

About these ads

About Dick and Danna

Resume for Dick Vernon, PHD (Possess Highschool Diploma) I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. I am a strong conservative politically. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I make women swoon with my sensuous steel guitar playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, I repair computerized aircraft panels free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. Ihave been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On week- ends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I have given Rachel Ray and Emirile cooking lessons. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performe open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis many times when I taught him how to play guitar.. But I have not yet gone to college. ——————————————————- Resume for: Danna Vernon I put up with Dick Vernon. Doesn’t that say it all?
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